I love you. You must know this, considering all the hours I while away in your company. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways: Facebook, I could scroll through your memes, family photos and videos forever. Pinterest, my fandoms knows no rest with you. YouTube, music old and new sends me into ecstasies. WordPress, I blog to my heart’s content, and convince myself I’m “writing”. As an introvert, I can make connections and feel a part of something in a way I never could before. You coddle and console me. I’m grateful, I really am.
But afterward, I feel kind of empty. Cheap. Guilty. I long for a more satisfying relationship, one that makes me feel more grounded and authentic, one that doesn’t leave me feeling as if I’m wasting my time. In truth, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about another media: pen and paper. I can’t help it. We used to have something real, and then I drifted away, lured by your flashy entertainment and empty calories. I can actually feel my brain shrinking, the cells atrophying from lack of use. I grew up with pen and paper; we’re old friends. What I’m saying is, I’d like to see more of pen and paper in my life and less of you.
Am I dumping you completely? I’m not saying that. I just think we need to separate for a while. It won’t be easy. God, you’re alluring. It will be hard to resist you. But I must, at least for my own sake. Love has turned to obsession. I knew a line was being crossed when I began to feel anxious when I was away from you for too long. When I couldn’t check my useless emails, when I couldn’t see how many likes and comments my Facebook or WordPress posts accumulated. As if any of that matters. You made me think all that stuff was important, while what’s really important is the relationship between pen and paper and my own mind.
And really, there’s an ugly side of you I don’t like at all. I’m not just talking about trolls and fake news, although that’s a part of it. There’s a certain lack of both accountability and civility that repulses me. But I won’t get into that; what’s important is that I’m saying goodbye. But not forever. For better or for worse, you’re a part of everyone’s life now, and you have your uses. I just need to get some space to breathe, and figure out what that use is.
I’ll miss you. But I miss more the words and stories in my head that want to come out, but are unable to; they’re stopped up by your dominance over my time and mind. So I’m letting you go for the time being. I’ll come back to you when I feel stronger, more able to assert control over your addicting tendencies.
Au revoir for now,